Not once, but twice

I believe God is putting me through a season of testing in faith/trust in Him. Ever since the first move I made to come here is faith, trusting that He will bring it through. I need to learn to trust Him about situations in my life. Thinking back to cooking team week. God has shown me a His faithfulness in a tangible way. I needed that. Why? Because I believe He wants me to see that I can trust Him even with the smallest things. Lately I have been having a lot thoughts about you, about the future, about things that might happen, might not happen. I was reminded this morning in my devotion to trust in Him. "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight." -Prov 3:5-6. I need to just lay it all at His feet and stop taking it back into my own hands, trying to understand it and solve it with my head. Like with the faith meal, how did God provide? It almost sounds insane to not cook and expect Him to. But He came through, not just once, but twice. I need to have the same attitude for the situations in my life right now. He will not only do it once, but twice. All I have to do is to trust in Him til the end because He will make it through for me. Not once, but twice.

strong individuals

the leaders gave us some feedback to the presentation we had for the 40 page assignment. One of the feedback was they see the boys have their own strengths and weaknesses, but they cover each other as a team. As for the girl's feedback, they said we are a bunch of strong individuals, but we are individuals, not a team. That hit me hard.

I think back to the personal life. I've had many acquaintances, people I hung out with at school. I was never really a loner. But am I lonely? yes i am. thinking back to grade 4 when i moved to canada, i had no strings attached. i didn't really feel sad not being able to see my friends. even now, when i am here in UK. can i say i am sad that i don't see them? no. i think God is showing me in this area i need healing. i have no clue why i am like this. when people ask me if i have any close friends. I'd have to think really hard most of the time. Coz the thing is, i don't really have any. Sometimes when i get too close to a girlfriend, i would start withdrawing myself. I need God to heal me in this area, otherwise I will not know what it means to be around people, be loved by people and love people.

i have been thinking about you. i understand why God has brought me here, and understand that prolly if i didn't come here, we wouldn't be where we are at now spiritually. At the same time i don't understand why is it only now do i start to feel that you love me for who i am. it is only now i feel that u appreciate me for who i am. i am glad that u love me...but we are miles apart and my heart is not free to love u back the way i used to. if i was still the same karen before, i would want to just be with u. but rite now, i can't. i have a road to walk down. it hurts me inside. i had wish so hard that u would be the one i'd spend the rest of my life with. but rite now, i don't know where God is taking me. i can't make those promises anymore, and it hurts. do u know how much i loved u?

cooking week

Each week, we have different duties around the house. Last week I was the cooking leader, meaning I was responsible for coming up with the menu for the week for everyone, come up with a week of groceries list, and of course cook every meal. I was the cooking leader with 3 other cooking team members. I was really excited about this...but at the same time it was quite stressful and busy.

I was asked to come up with the menu on Sunday night at around 10:30, and a meeting at 12:30am. I prolly didn't start the menu until 1, 1:30am that morning. I had to do it right away because I had to have to it done by 10 the next morning. As I was doing the menu, I was working on the shopping list as well. I ended up sleeping at 3:30am that morning.

In one of the meals, i had it as "faith meal", which means for that meal, we are not going to cook, but pray that God will somehow provide the meal for that night.

Through out the week, God blessed us with different things everyday. On Sunday, someone has blessed us with a box of fruits. We didn't have to buy fruits for our fruit salad! then the next day, someone blessed up with dinner rolls and salad dressing. We were able to have those with one of our salads. then the next day, someone blessed us with chopsticks for the chinese meal for one of the nights. then the next day, more fruits! God's been providing all these extraaa food for us that week. it was amazing to see the blessing flowing through

As the cooking team shared with the whole group on Wednesday night, they were really excited, and we were praying that God would provide pizza. When Friday arrived, we were all in the lounge praying before dinner time, that God would really provide for us that night. Our praying time turned into a fun, loud family singing and dancing time, declaring God is faith, He will show us a miracle. During the whole time, we kept looking out the window to see if a pizza guy would come. As time was ticking away, I prayed more desperately in my heart. "God You are faithful and You will bring it through. Even if there is no pizza tonight, we know You are still a faithful God". Guess what? just 15 mins before we had to head out to lectures that night, a pizza guy dropped off some pizza! I was so excited I nearly cried. There was all the kind of pizza we prayed for.

Now, that was pizza blessing part 1. Here is pizza part 2. On tuesday, we were at this lady's bridal shop painting for her. Guess what she got us for lunch. That's right! PIZZA! ALL THE KINDS WE ASKED FOR FROM BEFORE PLUS CHICKEN WINGS. How cool is that?

Through this experience, it really has increased my faith. It's really seeing God working the miracles. This cooking team leader experience is probably something I will never forget, and it is such a good testimony of faith.

a long night

We have received another assignment last night. We are split into 2 groups, boys vs. girls. and each team is to read a 250pages+ book and write a 40 page report, a page of how we handled the week and a multimedia presentation. All due at9am Friday morning. Before we found out this assignment, we had been given a 20page assignment due Friday night at 12:00am and an exam at 9am Friday morning. Last night I stayed up til 3:30am to do my 20 page assignment. I was supposed to read the book after my team member was done...but I was knocked out by 3:30...
I am exhausted already. Lord help me through.

Spending time with Him

It's so easy to just slip away in the busyness of this week. Each morning we have about an hour of quiet time to spend time with God and to read His word. It's not a rule that we do so, but in the schedule that hour has been set out for this purpose. Even if i don't do read my bible or spend time with God no one would know. This morning was my struggle, but also a revelation. As I walked back to my room from breakfast, I started thinking about my assignment and my exam and thought I will spend that hour to do some work and or studying. I was planning out which part of the assignment I should do first or which part of the studying I should do. As I sat down to begin, I felt God was telling me to just be still. Then it hit me. I have been so busy last week as a cooking leader that I had spent less time with Him. I did it out because I was supposed to. This morning I almost let the busyness take hold of me again. God is looking for my spending time with Him. He wants me. Of course it is necessary to do well in my assignment and what not, but He is more interested in me. I believe I have made the right choice this morning to just lay down everything and spend time with Him first. I trust that He will multiple my time and I would be able to draw strength from Him for the rest of the day.

We were talking about the fear of the Lord on Saturday, how fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. As I read colossians 2 this morning, this spoke to me. "in Him lie hidden all the treasure of wisdom and knowledge" -Colossians 2:1. I claim that for my week.

Fear (of God): "Yir'ah" - respect, reverence, piety revered

One thing I am constantly learning to do here at YOT is to not worry about the future. I have began to lay that down bits by bits. Whenever we ask the leader what we are going to do next, they will always give us this respond, "Don't worry about it. Just embrace it and enjoy it." I am not saying I don't have goals or visions anymore, I still do. When the vision is unclear, the cost is always too much. I don't want my cost is too much. But I definitely don't want my uncertainty about the future to distract me from embracing everything I do right now. Thinking back to the orientation week, I loved how the leaders took all of our watches and phones and live life not in the restriction of time. I felt like I was able to really "live life" unconditionally. It was beautiful.

It's also really neat that we are reminding each other of what we say. Whenever someone says something that is negative, someone will speak up and say something like "watch your mouth" or "don't say that". We bring correction into each other's lives and being true brother's keepers. I still have tons to learn, but I am glad I have all these friends who genuinely wants to see each of us mature. It amazes me how this is possible

laying it down

I think about you everyday, and there would be times where I'd miss you. But for most of the time, I thank God for taking the heart gripping feelings away. I think I am beginning to learn to trust in Him in this. There is only so much I can do. But when I read your blog just now, my heart gripped...yet at the same time I was thinking that whatever needs to happen will happen. My faith is in Him.
I have not to not think about so much ahead in the future, but taking a step each day. Whenever I feel like I want to think about the "what ifs", i will remind myself of the verse from 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God have not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind". Fear is a spirit and it can be rejected in my life. I have also learned that as I let go of things, it will give Him room to operate. Whatever He does will be the best for me.
I guess the 2 week of orientation have really changed my thinking pattern. Some of the things we do were quite...radical in a way, but at the same time it's because we were pushed beyond the limits and boundaries we have set for ourselves that we are able to break free.

At the end of the orientation, we were at a cliff by the sea. It was a significant moment for me. At the beginning of the orientation, we were given a set of dog tags with our names on them. Mike explained that when the soldiers go to battle, each of them are given these dog tags with their number on it. When the soldier dies, one of the tag will be shoved down his throat so that when they transport the bodies, they will be able to identify them. The other dog tag is sent to the soldier's family. So each of us were given the opportunity to pray, and time to think about how our life was like. Then each of us were able to share with the leaders and throw one of the dog tags down the cliff, signifying we have died to our old self. "For I have been crucified with Christ. It is no long I who live but Christ who lives in me. The life that I now live in the flesh, I live by faith through the son of God who loved me and gave Himself up for me" - Galatians 2:20. I still wear my other dog tag. It reminds me that I am no longer myself anymore, but it is Christ who lives in me. I have given up my self will. What I want needs to be what He wants. I am still in the process of learning how to do that. But i pray that as i continue to walk down this journey, I will be able to imitate Him and be perfect. He's asked us to be perfect just as our heavenly Father is perfect. I used to question whether that is possible, and I believe it does. I can be mature, fully grown, complete and lacking nothing. My heart will be complete, my character will be mature, I will be fully grown spiritually and my life will lack nothing.

I pray that God will touch your life significantly as well. Focus on Him.