change

in less than 3 weeks i will be on a plane going to england. i am excited that the change i have been praying for and wanting is going to take place very soon. i pray that this change will superceed any change i've ever had before. i want to be made perfect - complete, whole and lack of nothing. i desire to come back as a brand new person that is positive that is able to love unconditionally. All the wounds healed, all the brokenness mended.

you have worked with me, encouraged me for the longest time. finally we are reaching the goal, and we will be able to see that end result. u've been frustrated, upset with my countless time. i hope when i come back, u will be amazed by how much i have grown. i am going to work hard on my character for that one year specifically that it will be instill in me. The good character will just flow out naturally, from the inside out.

i don't know what will happen in a year. a lot of things can change, but a lot of things may stay the same. there are a lot of things i don't and won't have the control over. i need to believe that God knows what He is doing, and He is doing it for good. This is such a big step of faith...i've ever taken at this point. this step feels like a free fall. my family is no longer going to be there physically because of distance. i need to trust that He will take care of them. my career...i thot i had everything figured out...a great place to work at, that i can spend the rest of my life working at...is going to disappear. When i come back, will i be able to work at Anthem again? Will i be able to find a job? I don't know. It's in His hands. My ministry at church...will i still play the piano when i come back? what about my girls? I can't answer that. My relationship with you...what is going to happen? Will you still be there? Or will you only be my friend? A friend...usually the term friend brings a warm feeling, but not this time...it feels distant to hear that we may only be "friends". Do I want that? no. i want to keep what we have...but yet again, He is in control. I feel like in a flash, i am going to lose everything i hold so tightly to. i guess this is part of maturing - to be totally dependent on Him. I have so many questions...but i don't have an answer for any of them...i guess that's why it feels like a free fall. i need to trust that He is there at the bottom to catch me and lift me back up. I feel like in this free fall I can't grab a hold of anything, but I need to have faith. This is my first lesson.

...so i wait upon You now
with my hands released to You
with a little faith's enough
to see mountains lift and move