I think about you everyday, and there would be times where I'd miss you. But for most of the time, I thank God for taking the heart gripping feelings away. I think I am beginning to learn to trust in Him in this. There is only so much I can do. But when I read your blog just now, my heart gripped...yet at the same time I was thinking that whatever needs to happen will happen. My faith is in Him.
I have not to not think about so much ahead in the future, but taking a step each day. Whenever I feel like I want to think about the "what ifs", i will remind myself of the verse from 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God have not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind". Fear is a spirit and it can be rejected in my life. I have also learned that as I let go of things, it will give Him room to operate. Whatever He does will be the best for me.
I guess the 2 week of orientation have really changed my thinking pattern. Some of the things we do were quite...radical in a way, but at the same time it's because we were pushed beyond the limits and boundaries we have set for ourselves that we are able to break free.
At the end of the orientation, we were at a cliff by the sea. It was a significant moment for me. At the beginning of the orientation, we were given a set of dog tags with our names on them. Mike explained that when the soldiers go to battle, each of them are given these dog tags with their number on it. When the soldier dies, one of the tag will be shoved down his throat so that when they transport the bodies, they will be able to identify them. The other dog tag is sent to the soldier's family. So each of us were given the opportunity to pray, and time to think about how our life was like. Then each of us were able to share with the leaders and throw one of the dog tags down the cliff, signifying we have died to our old self. "For I have been crucified with Christ. It is no long I who live but Christ who lives in me. The life that I now live in the flesh, I live by faith through the son of God who loved me and gave Himself up for me" - Galatians 2:20. I still wear my other dog tag. It reminds me that I am no longer myself anymore, but it is Christ who lives in me. I have given up my self will. What I want needs to be what He wants. I am still in the process of learning how to do that. But i pray that as i continue to walk down this journey, I will be able to imitate Him and be perfect. He's asked us to be perfect just as our heavenly Father is perfect. I used to question whether that is possible, and I believe it does. I can be mature, fully grown, complete and lacking nothing. My heart will be complete, my character will be mature, I will be fully grown spiritually and my life will lack nothing.
I pray that God will touch your life significantly as well. Focus on Him.