Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Not once, but twice

I believe God is putting me through a season of testing in faith/trust in Him. Ever since the first move I made to come here is faith, trusting that He will bring it through. I need to learn to trust Him about situations in my life. Thinking back to cooking team week. God has shown me a His faithfulness in a tangible way. I needed that. Why? Because I believe He wants me to see that I can trust Him even with the smallest things. Lately I have been having a lot thoughts about you, about the future, about things that might happen, might not happen. I was reminded this morning in my devotion to trust in Him. "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight." -Prov 3:5-6. I need to just lay it all at His feet and stop taking it back into my own hands, trying to understand it and solve it with my head. Like with the faith meal, how did God provide? It almost sounds insane to not cook and expect Him to. But He came through, not just once, but twice. I need to have the same attitude for the situations in my life right now. He will not only do it once, but twice. All I have to do is to trust in Him til the end because He will make it through for me. Not once, but twice.

Monday, October 20, 2008

strong individuals

the leaders gave us some feedback to the presentation we had for the 40 page assignment. One of the feedback was they see the boys have their own strengths and weaknesses, but they cover each other as a team. As for the girl's feedback, they said we are a bunch of strong individuals, but we are individuals, not a team. That hit me hard.

I think back to the personal life. I've had many acquaintances, people I hung out with at school. I was never really a loner. But am I lonely? yes i am. thinking back to grade 4 when i moved to canada, i had no strings attached. i didn't really feel sad not being able to see my friends. even now, when i am here in UK. can i say i am sad that i don't see them? no. i think God is showing me in this area i need healing. i have no clue why i am like this. when people ask me if i have any close friends. I'd have to think really hard most of the time. Coz the thing is, i don't really have any. Sometimes when i get too close to a girlfriend, i would start withdrawing myself. I need God to heal me in this area, otherwise I will not know what it means to be around people, be loved by people and love people.

i have been thinking about you. i understand why God has brought me here, and understand that prolly if i didn't come here, we wouldn't be where we are at now spiritually. At the same time i don't understand why is it only now do i start to feel that you love me for who i am. it is only now i feel that u appreciate me for who i am. i am glad that u love me...but we are miles apart and my heart is not free to love u back the way i used to. if i was still the same karen before, i would want to just be with u. but rite now, i can't. i have a road to walk down. it hurts me inside. i had wish so hard that u would be the one i'd spend the rest of my life with. but rite now, i don't know where God is taking me. i can't make those promises anymore, and it hurts. do u know how much i loved u?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

cooking week

Each week, we have different duties around the house. Last week I was the cooking leader, meaning I was responsible for coming up with the menu for the week for everyone, come up with a week of groceries list, and of course cook every meal. I was the cooking leader with 3 other cooking team members. I was really excited about this...but at the same time it was quite stressful and busy.

I was asked to come up with the menu on Sunday night at around 10:30, and a meeting at 12:30am. I prolly didn't start the menu until 1, 1:30am that morning. I had to do it right away because I had to have to it done by 10 the next morning. As I was doing the menu, I was working on the shopping list as well. I ended up sleeping at 3:30am that morning.

In one of the meals, i had it as "faith meal", which means for that meal, we are not going to cook, but pray that God will somehow provide the meal for that night.

Through out the week, God blessed us with different things everyday. On Sunday, someone has blessed us with a box of fruits. We didn't have to buy fruits for our fruit salad! then the next day, someone blessed up with dinner rolls and salad dressing. We were able to have those with one of our salads. then the next day, someone blessed us with chopsticks for the chinese meal for one of the nights. then the next day, more fruits! God's been providing all these extraaa food for us that week. it was amazing to see the blessing flowing through

As the cooking team shared with the whole group on Wednesday night, they were really excited, and we were praying that God would provide pizza. When Friday arrived, we were all in the lounge praying before dinner time, that God would really provide for us that night. Our praying time turned into a fun, loud family singing and dancing time, declaring God is faith, He will show us a miracle. During the whole time, we kept looking out the window to see if a pizza guy would come. As time was ticking away, I prayed more desperately in my heart. "God You are faithful and You will bring it through. Even if there is no pizza tonight, we know You are still a faithful God". Guess what? just 15 mins before we had to head out to lectures that night, a pizza guy dropped off some pizza! I was so excited I nearly cried. There was all the kind of pizza we prayed for.

Now, that was pizza blessing part 1. Here is pizza part 2. On tuesday, we were at this lady's bridal shop painting for her. Guess what she got us for lunch. That's right! PIZZA! ALL THE KINDS WE ASKED FOR FROM BEFORE PLUS CHICKEN WINGS. How cool is that?

Through this experience, it really has increased my faith. It's really seeing God working the miracles. This cooking team leader experience is probably something I will never forget, and it is such a good testimony of faith.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

a long night

We have received another assignment last night. We are split into 2 groups, boys vs. girls. and each team is to read a 250pages+ book and write a 40 page report, a page of how we handled the week and a multimedia presentation. All due at9am Friday morning. Before we found out this assignment, we had been given a 20page assignment due Friday night at 12:00am and an exam at 9am Friday morning. Last night I stayed up til 3:30am to do my 20 page assignment. I was supposed to read the book after my team member was done...but I was knocked out by 3:30...
I am exhausted already. Lord help me through.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Spending time with Him

It's so easy to just slip away in the busyness of this week. Each morning we have about an hour of quiet time to spend time with God and to read His word. It's not a rule that we do so, but in the schedule that hour has been set out for this purpose. Even if i don't do read my bible or spend time with God no one would know. This morning was my struggle, but also a revelation. As I walked back to my room from breakfast, I started thinking about my assignment and my exam and thought I will spend that hour to do some work and or studying. I was planning out which part of the assignment I should do first or which part of the studying I should do. As I sat down to begin, I felt God was telling me to just be still. Then it hit me. I have been so busy last week as a cooking leader that I had spent less time with Him. I did it out because I was supposed to. This morning I almost let the busyness take hold of me again. God is looking for my spending time with Him. He wants me. Of course it is necessary to do well in my assignment and what not, but He is more interested in me. I believe I have made the right choice this morning to just lay down everything and spend time with Him first. I trust that He will multiple my time and I would be able to draw strength from Him for the rest of the day.

We were talking about the fear of the Lord on Saturday, how fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. As I read colossians 2 this morning, this spoke to me. "in Him lie hidden all the treasure of wisdom and knowledge" -Colossians 2:1. I claim that for my week.

Fear (of God): "Yir'ah" - respect, reverence, piety revered

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

One thing I am constantly learning to do here at YOT is to not worry about the future. I have began to lay that down bits by bits. Whenever we ask the leader what we are going to do next, they will always give us this respond, "Don't worry about it. Just embrace it and enjoy it." I am not saying I don't have goals or visions anymore, I still do. When the vision is unclear, the cost is always too much. I don't want my cost is too much. But I definitely don't want my uncertainty about the future to distract me from embracing everything I do right now. Thinking back to the orientation week, I loved how the leaders took all of our watches and phones and live life not in the restriction of time. I felt like I was able to really "live life" unconditionally. It was beautiful.

It's also really neat that we are reminding each other of what we say. Whenever someone says something that is negative, someone will speak up and say something like "watch your mouth" or "don't say that". We bring correction into each other's lives and being true brother's keepers. I still have tons to learn, but I am glad I have all these friends who genuinely wants to see each of us mature. It amazes me how this is possible

Sunday, September 28, 2008

laying it down

I think about you everyday, and there would be times where I'd miss you. But for most of the time, I thank God for taking the heart gripping feelings away. I think I am beginning to learn to trust in Him in this. There is only so much I can do. But when I read your blog just now, my heart gripped...yet at the same time I was thinking that whatever needs to happen will happen. My faith is in Him.
I have not to not think about so much ahead in the future, but taking a step each day. Whenever I feel like I want to think about the "what ifs", i will remind myself of the verse from 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God have not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind". Fear is a spirit and it can be rejected in my life. I have also learned that as I let go of things, it will give Him room to operate. Whatever He does will be the best for me.
I guess the 2 week of orientation have really changed my thinking pattern. Some of the things we do were quite...radical in a way, but at the same time it's because we were pushed beyond the limits and boundaries we have set for ourselves that we are able to break free.

At the end of the orientation, we were at a cliff by the sea. It was a significant moment for me. At the beginning of the orientation, we were given a set of dog tags with our names on them. Mike explained that when the soldiers go to battle, each of them are given these dog tags with their number on it. When the soldier dies, one of the tag will be shoved down his throat so that when they transport the bodies, they will be able to identify them. The other dog tag is sent to the soldier's family. So each of us were given the opportunity to pray, and time to think about how our life was like. Then each of us were able to share with the leaders and throw one of the dog tags down the cliff, signifying we have died to our old self. "For I have been crucified with Christ. It is no long I who live but Christ who lives in me. The life that I now live in the flesh, I live by faith through the son of God who loved me and gave Himself up for me" - Galatians 2:20. I still wear my other dog tag. It reminds me that I am no longer myself anymore, but it is Christ who lives in me. I have given up my self will. What I want needs to be what He wants. I am still in the process of learning how to do that. But i pray that as i continue to walk down this journey, I will be able to imitate Him and be perfect. He's asked us to be perfect just as our heavenly Father is perfect. I used to question whether that is possible, and I believe it does. I can be mature, fully grown, complete and lacking nothing. My heart will be complete, my character will be mature, I will be fully grown spiritually and my life will lack nothing.

I pray that God will touch your life significantly as well. Focus on Him.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

first post

it's been two and a half weeks since i left toronto, and i feel like i am still in vacation mode. Maidstone still doesn't feel like home yet. It feels like I am only here for a few weeks and I will be back soon...but reality is, I am going to be here for 10 months.

I'm liking this place so far. The people here are really nice and it's such a community. I think one thing I like most is I am away from the city, away from work or things that fights for my attention. The whole focus is learning to be with people and building myself up. Come to think about it, it is a gift to be able to do that...to be able to take out a year and just to build my character.

I was shopping the other day for some shampoo and all that...I find myself even more cautious with the money I am spending. Another good thing was as I was shopping, my friends would remind there are things I don't need to buy, that I can live without. It is kinda nice that we are looking out for one another like that already.

I feel like I've known these people for a long time. We already have a bond together, because we have been through so much together the last 2 weeks. We cried together, we were frustrated together, we laughed together, we acted all silly together. It's amazing how in just two weeks we have become like family already. Although there is a pretty huge age range difference (18- 37), but it doesn't seem to matter.

I need to go get ready for another exciting, beautiful yet rainy day. until next time!

Saturday, August 16, 2008


in less than 3 weeks i will be on a plane going to england. i am excited that the change i have been praying for and wanting is going to take place very soon. i pray that this change will superceed any change i've ever had before. i want to be made perfect - complete, whole and lack of nothing. i desire to come back as a brand new person that is positive that is able to love unconditionally. All the wounds healed, all the brokenness mended.

you have worked with me, encouraged me for the longest time. finally we are reaching the goal, and we will be able to see that end result. u've been frustrated, upset with my countless time. i hope when i come back, u will be amazed by how much i have grown. i am going to work hard on my character for that one year specifically that it will be instill in me. The good character will just flow out naturally, from the inside out.

i don't know what will happen in a year. a lot of things can change, but a lot of things may stay the same. there are a lot of things i don't and won't have the control over. i need to believe that God knows what He is doing, and He is doing it for good. This is such a big step of faith...i've ever taken at this point. this step feels like a free fall. my family is no longer going to be there physically because of distance. i need to trust that He will take care of them. my career...i thot i had everything figured out...a great place to work at, that i can spend the rest of my life working at...is going to disappear. When i come back, will i be able to work at Anthem again? Will i be able to find a job? I don't know. It's in His hands. My ministry at church...will i still play the piano when i come back? what about my girls? I can't answer that. My relationship with you...what is going to happen? Will you still be there? Or will you only be my friend? A friend...usually the term friend brings a warm feeling, but not this time...it feels distant to hear that we may only be "friends". Do I want that? no. i want to keep what we have...but yet again, He is in control. I feel like in a flash, i am going to lose everything i hold so tightly to. i guess this is part of maturing - to be totally dependent on Him. I have so many questions...but i don't have an answer for any of them...i guess that's why it feels like a free fall. i need to trust that He is there at the bottom to catch me and lift me back up. I feel like in this free fall I can't grab a hold of anything, but I need to have faith. This is my first lesson.

...so i wait upon You now
with my hands released to You
with a little faith's enough
to see mountains lift and move

Monday, August 4, 2008

a long week?

it seems like it will be a really busy week this week. I don't know how it's going to be like. It feels like there are commitments on both ends - church and work. I don't know how it will work out. Hopefully I will be able to finish as much as I can at work, and not have to OT, otherwise I won't be late for the trainings. I guess I will take it as it comes.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

my journey - graphic design (part 2)

Lets back track to the Christmas prior to the YC conference. During the Christmas Holiday, I had the idea of designing a graphic T-shirt for everyone as a gift. I had the idea, but it didn't progress to the final product for various reasons and that idea didn't become a reality....until....

Soon after the conference, my youth pastor came up to me and started talking about BBC, and asked me if I could design the t-shirt for that year's conference. I was quite shock because that was what I wanted to do, but this was even more exciting because it was for a conference, not just our church. From there onwards, I had become CPC's graphic designer. From there, was able to gain a lot of experience doing "real" work. School work was good, but something on the side like this really built my confidence and allowed me to serve my God with the gifting He has given me.

Ever since that conference, I did quite well in school. I gave it my all and trusted God instead of second guessing. Close to the end of second year of university, I met Sam. He was one of the worship assistance at church. It turned out that he works at a graphic design firm called Anthem. I asked if they hire any students to do part-time. He said usually they don't, but he could give in a try and gave my resume to the creative director. I didn't have high hopes for it, but I thought why not just give it a try. I didn't hear from until at the end of the summer, I received a phone call and asked if I would be interested to go in for an interview. I told that lady that I have to go back to school, and she said that's okay, maybe when you are done school. That was the end of our conversation. Although I didn't get into Anthem or even went for an interview, I kept that company name in the back of my head.

During the third year of my program, we had to finish an internship placement at the end of the year. We had to get into groups and interview a design company as well. When we were discussing where we should go for the interview, I suggested Anthem. To my surprise, everyone was cool with it, and guess what? Anthem was cool with it as well. We had a pretty good interview with them and I believe we made a good impression. Finally, we had to all look for firms where they would accept us as an intern. With no doubt, I thought of Anthem. With no complications, they hired me and I was working for them right the term ended. I was only supposed to be there for a 2 or weeks to fulfill the requirements of the the degree, but I wanted to gain more experience so I asked if I could stay for the rest of the summer. I must say it was God's intervention and God's grace, they said yes almost right away. During that season I thought I was dreaming. Everything was going so smoothly like it was all planned out for me. Well, now that I think about it now, God planned it all out for me. He makes my path straight.

At the end of the summer, I didn't want to go back to school for my last year of university. I was having so much fun and was gaining so much more experience. I learned so much in those few months that surpassed all the knowledge I learned in university for those 3 years. I loved the place but I had to go back to school. They didn't want me to go either, but I had to. It was a sad good-bye. The studio manager asked me to leave my school schedule with her so I could call me up and do some freelancing while I am at school. From what I know, normally they don't do that. They would not hire a student freelance to work for them like that. It wasn't really a good-bye after all. I occasionally would freelance for them, and during Christmas, I had a whole month off from school and I worked for them that entire month. It was like I never left the company. I thought it was too good to be true. I couldn't believe it.

At the end of fourth year, I had my design show and I invited Anthem to this gala. The studio manager made a point that she will show up at my show. The show goes on for a few days, and there is a day where is dedicated for the designers from the industry to come and view our work. Some people would get hired on the spot. Obviously we all worked very hard for that day in the hopes of getting hired. On that day, the studio manager came, as she promised. She was one of the first people that came to the show. She told me she made sure she came and get a hold of me because she didn't want me to work for other companies. She asked me to go back to Anthem to work for them. Obviously I was DELIGHTED! I couldn't be more blessed. I couldn't believe everything was working out so well. I pray that as I continue on this path, He will continue to guide me and show me more exciting things :)

Friday, July 25, 2008

my journey - graphic design (part 1)

My story begins when I was a kid in Hong Kong, possibly grade 2 or 3. It was the moon festival and my father bought a traditional lantern for me. It was made out of "glass paper" in the shape of a horse. One evening, I took a piece of paper and a pencil and started drawing it. I can't remember why I wanted to draw it, but what I remember was my mother looked at my drawing and she was amazed, because it looked so similar to the lantern. Did I learn how to draw the horse from someone else or if i took drawing lessons? No. It may sound like it's just an ordinary drawing to most people, but I still remember that moment vividly. I believe, that's where my journey began.

Years gone by, and I fell in love with art. Not only in drawing and painting, but also in dancing, photography...I find joy in doing any of these things. During my last year of middle school, I began taking art lessons from a man whom my friend recommended. Soon after I started taking lessons, my mom suggested to apply for the art program, Claude Watson, in the high school I was going to. At that time, I didn't have any work that was presentable, let alone a portfolio. I worked really hard with my art teacher, but at the end, I didn't make it. It didn't really bother me because I knew I wasn't ready. The year after, I tried out again. I didn't make it either. I tried out for that program twice during the 4 year of high school. Guess what? I didn't make it. By the end, I must say I was a little discouraged. The last time I tried out for the program was when I was in grade 11. After the last attempt, I began to question whether I should really be going into art. I thought this was the path I should be taking, but it seemed like it wasn't working out or I wasn't good enough after all. Like every other grade 11 high school student, we had to start thinking about what career path to take, how I could get there, which university I should be studying...and so on. On one hand I was quite confused, but on the other I had a strong feeling that I should go into arts.

My mother was always very cautious about my marks, reason being I was extremely poor in science and math, it was so bad that I dropped science after grade 10 and spent at least 3 hours each week with my personal math tutor. I did all the questions in the textbook so that I'd be more prepared and have more practices, but when tests and quizzes came...either I fail it or get extremely low mark..barely passing. That eliminated a lot of different career fields.

When it was time to pick programs and universities, my mother made sure I picked everything I could possibly take, from social work, to early childhood education, education, to journalism, and of course to design. I ended up applying for close to 20 programs, just to be sure that I would get into "something". While all this was going on, struggling with my marks and applications, I spent months preparing my portfolio. At the end, to our surprise, I got into every program I applied for except for one. It was really God's grace. We were delighted but it was a problem as well...with that many program, which one do I pick? My mom really wanted me to go into education...but for myself, I knew design was right for me.

There was a lot of whispering, people talking behind my back after I had picked design. My grandma, my aunts, uncles thought it was a wrong choice, simply because it was art. They thought I wouldn't make a living out of it, nor would I be able to succeed. But thank God for my parents, they stood by me and believed in me.

I stepped into my first year at York/Sheridan design full of zeal, but soon after I realized how little did I know about design. I knew basically...nothing. I almost failed first year. Nothing was going well for me first year. I had so much trouble even though I worked extremely hard. I began to ask God if I had made a mistake. I knew I was supposed to be in design, but I was very shaken up that I needed a confirmation. I needed to know for sure without a doubt. I prayed extremely hard and God answered my prayer.

Every year, our church would go to a Youth conference in May. That year specifically I asked God to show me my destiny. I desperately needed to know. During the conference, one of the session talked about calling and destiny. I listened attentively to the speaker. At the end of his preaching, he prayed for people's calling and destiny. In my heart I told God, "Lord, this is it, You've GOT to tell me. Let me know what it is. I KNOW You are speaking to me." The pastor told us to pray as he speaks out different careers and positions and stand up if you know it's you. We bowed our hearts, and he started praying and prophesying. He started speaking out different work positions-doctors, missionaries, lawyers... As he named these positions, my heart pounded so fast, and I prayed desperately, "God, please say it..please...". Then all of a sudden the pastor said "graphic design". Without even thinking, I jumped up automatically, my whole body started sweating and tears came falling down like a waterfall. I will never forget that moment. I was so sure that that was it. I am called to be a graphic designer.

Ever since that day, everything changed. How did it change? Find out in my next blog :P That's when God paved the way for my career path...til this day, with opportunities, favors, and much more.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

going home

i've been thinking about this a lot. i am still not sure...but i think i will be..going home. am i becoming better? not quite. are my parents' relationship better? somewhat. will there be arguments? for sure. is my relationship with my mom better? definitely. i think that's what i want the most. i can give up any relationship with other people but i can't toss away my relationship with my mom. she has her problems, and so does everyone else...just mebbe hers is harder to deal with. regardless how she is, i still want to be with her. when i think about her each time, it makes me want to cry. she and dad are the only people will will always accept me and love me no matter how i am. i understand how much she misses me, and how much she wants to be with me, see me everyday, know everything about me. she wants to know is because she cares, she loves. i think i have understand more of a mother's heart for her child. she has a lot of flaws, and so do i. but if she can accept me, accept my past, looks forward to my future, i want to do the same.

no one can ever love me more than my family does. no one.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

success = trust in God

"Solomon wants us to understand the only way to accomplish true success is to trust God and to get into His plan. Solomon uses the word commit which means to deliberately put into action or to entrust. In other words, Solomon deliberately or purposefully made a decision, and then, took action to entrust himself into God's capable hands. Solomon learned when he put his faith, trust or confidence in God's plans that somehow his personal thoughts regarding a subject were soon changed to agree with God's plans and thoughts. Why would this be important? God cannot fil, so when Solomon's thoughts, which produced actions, came into agreement with God's plan, it automatically assured him that he would achieve success, as well."

Friday, June 20, 2008

i've had a wonderful day today, despite the quietness in the studio. I kinda like that at times. It was in a good pace. the breakfast i had this morning was fantastic because i had some yummy dip with bread sticks. i was able to spend some time to do some training work, which was inspiring in a slow afternoon. had a great lunch with helena and keri for fe. after work, i walked around eatons for a bit, trying on clothes that i didn't buy. i looked good in a lot of the clothes i tried on and i told myself one of these days i will be able to get these, but not right now. But tryin it on and feeling pretty was good. i enjoyed that. after that i went to fairview to visit my brother at starbucks. it was nice to see him working there. he's growing up so fast, before i know it, he will be done school. as i watched him learning how to make drinks, it reminded me of my first paid job at McD's...being the fries girl, then working as the cashier and working long hard hours. it all started at McD's. My brother is now stepping into the real world...working at starbucks, help re-building planes at a museum...i am very proud of him. he's not my baby brother anymore; he's grown up a lot.

i walked away from starbucks with a frappacino in hand, sipped it as i walked home. it was very relaxing. i cooked one of the longest meal today since i moved out. it took over an hour, but it was fun. i tried making the malaysian noodles and chicken legs. i must say the noodles wasn't as good as i thought it would be....but the chicken legs was delicious. so tender and juicy. heh, really proud of myself.

i was thinking today, for a period of time, i think i was trying too hard to "do something more interesting" with my life. i think what i am missing is enjoying the details in life and appreciate every minute of it. i rush through it without thinking about how much i enjoy this or that. i don't need to look too far. i need to spend the time and take the time to just enjoy the moment...like right now, taking the time to think about what i want to write, how things have been...it's these details in life that makes life fulfilling and enjoyable. it's not how many great things i can accomplish, but the little pieces that puts a day together, and from each day to a year, and eventually a lifetime. this is one part where it makes like inspiring-making each day/moment count.

Friday, May 23, 2008

"I've been drawing and painting since I was a child. I guess that once I got a little older, I began to think I was good at it. I enjoyed it, too. I remember working on this painting that summer, adding to it everyday, changing it as our relationship changed. I don't even remember how it started or what I wanted it to be, but somehow it evolved into this. I remember being unable to stop painting after I went home that summer. I think it was my way of avoiding the pain I was going through. Anyway, I ended up majoring in art in college because it was something I had to do; I remember spending hours in the studio all by myself and enjoying every minute. I loved the freedom I felt when I created, the way it made me feel inside to make something beautiful. Just before I graduated, my professor, who happened to also be the critic for the paper, told me I had a lot of talent. He told me I should try my luck as an artist. But I didn't listen to him."
She stopped there, gathering her thoughts.
"My parents didn't think it was proper for someone like me to paint for a living. I just stop after a while. I haven't touched a brush in years."
She stared at the painting.
"Do you think you'll ever paint again?"
"I'm not sure if I can anymore. It's been a long time."
"You can still do it, Allie. I know you can. You have a talent that comes from inside you, from your heart, not from your fingers. What you have can't ever go away. It's what other people only dream about. You're an artist, Allie."
The words were spoken with such sincerity that she knew he wasn't saying it just to be nice. He truly believed in her ability, and for some reason that meant more to her than she expected. But something else happened then, something even more powerful.

I feel connected to this passage of the book in some ways. Even though those words are spoken to Allie and not to me, but it has gone beyond her. I can imagine when I can't design any more or feel like I've lost my passion for that moment, those words are spoken to me. Those words bring me to believe in myself and my ability again. It's a confirmation of ability when there is uncertainty. Those are comforting words.

On this note, I haven't read a fiction in a long time. Probably the only fiction I've read during these few years is Tuesday with Morrie. I've forgotten how much I can indulge myself in a book. The other day I saw Keri reading a book by Nicholas Sparks and we had a discussion about his books. I've heard that "The Notebook" is good but have never really got around in reading the book or seeing the movie. I've decided to borrow it from Keri. I've been reading mostly self-help biblical based books. This is a nice change. It's one of those things where I can stay up, wanting to read it.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

i don't know why i feel like im drifting through space today. There seems to be a lot on my mind, but I don't exactly know what. I just feel like i'm in a daze, staring blankly at things at times. It could be because I am thinking about what I want to do with this season of life. There's been so many things going on..this meeting, that meeting, running around getting things done. I don't know where the day's gone. By the time I'm having some free time, I just want to sit and do nothing. Where's that spark in life gone? I feel drained. Maybe I will go for a run on Thursday.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

as we were at pastor's place for dinner, we shared about how we have been doing for the past few months, and where do we think God is taking us. Honestly, I don't know at this point. Like the comic, I was so ready to go change the world, make a difference with the talent that I have. I mean, I know I want to

to be continued..

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

my enjoyment of life

Karen enjoys...

• a heart to heart conversation
• looking through her packages collection
• looking through pictures because it brings back memories
• walking under the spring sun
• taking a long shower or bath
• going through her "p-box"
• star gazing
• chilling with good tunes under dimmed light
• being told how much she is loved
• a hearty laugh
• lame jokes
• playing the piano
• watching Patrick eat something I've cooked
• a stroll along the beach

Monday, May 5, 2008


i want to enjoy everything i do. sometimes certain things may not be something i LOVE to do (ie. gardening), but making the best out of it and just enjoy it makes life all the more wonderful and meaningful.
i didn't really feel like gardening yesterday at all coz i didn't feel so well...and gardening was such a hassle. But I thought the weather is beautiful and get to spend some daughter/mother time together, why not? When we were done, i felt great :) i enjoyed the process.
im enjoying my life one day at a time. i still have goals and dreams, but i want to enjoy the process of getting there as well. for a season, i felt like i was really lost in who i am, but i think i am finding myself again. a person who's happy, positive, confident and love life.

Could you love life unconditionally? Yah i can love life unconditionally.

on a side note, when pastor mentioned about Africa yesterday, my heart leaped forward. I don't know what it is that makes me feel this way, but something inside me gets stirred up. i pray that God can show me what is on His mind. Is there a reason why i feel attached to this place?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

you are back from new york :) even tho it's only been a few days, but i missed you. i thot about you often. it's just isn't the same when i cant hear your voice

ooo and u just called and got to hear your seeweeett voice :) im so proud of you. now not only bobby did a great job, you did it as well :) each time when you tell me you are going somewhere to see a client, it puts a smile on my face. It's not because you are away of course, but because you are given another opportunity to experience and excel. i take pride in it even tho it's not me that's going. i feel privileged to take part in this journey with you. i know i've sed it many times already, but i want to say it again, i'm very proud of you that you've grown from a developer to a newbie in SE and now given more opportunities to go else where to meet with clients. :)

of late, even tho u've been pretty busy with work and we haven't been able to talk as much as we did before, i feel that we are closer. im not too sure how...do you feel the same?

Monday, April 21, 2008

a beautiful saturday morning

it was a beautiful saturday morning from the time i woke up to the time of nap. there's no better way to spend a beautiful morning than to spend it with you. i didnt expect you to call me back almost right away. it was nice to hear from you. it was well worth waking up at 630am and txting you :)
i dun think i've had breakfast with you like this before, and then enjoying the warm weather. it was perfect.
watching you work and being with you while you work makes me really happie for some reason. perhaps it's because i like how concentrated and serious you look. perhaps it's because i admire the love of my life.

hehe..i like it when you run after me and then grab my hand. i like it when you bob your head to the beats. i like it when you look at me in the eyes. i like it when you reach over to hold my hand in the car. i like it when you laugh and smile at me. all these make me fall in love with u again and again. you've touched a special place in my heart. i deeply adore you.

a virtuous woman - proverbs 31

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Recently I've been hearing the word "virtuous" in a number of songs, and today, surprisingly an article from the prayer school was sent, titled " how i found a virtuous woman". This word has been on my heart. I believe the Lord is speaking to me. I am not exactly sure what, and why. But i know i want to carry myself as a virtuous woman, with no lack.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

i guess it's something i need to get used to, u not being around as much. and i guess it's not a temporary thing either. as u continue to be more experienced, it will require u to be away on business trips. u have ur own life, a career to pursue and it's not in my place to say much. hearing you tell me about all these opportunities ahead of u makes me feel happie for u. i want u to shine. but at the same time i hope this is not gonna make our relationship drift apart. i feel like i have to depend on myself more because of ur absence. i guess im not used to u being away so much. i dunno..im not sure wat to say anymore. i wish u all the best and be blessed..

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

sometimes i wish things aren't as complicated. i wish sometimes you and i can just run off to our little world and not have worrie about what other people think or say. it's just you and i. i only wish to be with you...why is it so difficult? whenever i am with you i just feel like nothing else matters. sometimes i ask myself why do i love you this much that it aches when i can't be with you. but whenever i get to be with u, it means so much more because i long to be with u. i want to stay in ur arms.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

a love so profound

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desire. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him and He will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the the noonday sun." Psalm 37:4-6

After going to the Watchmen gathering this weekend, I being to understand what this verse means. "Delight in the Lord" is not just doing what He asks us to do, reading the bible, going to church, being in the ministry and serving Him. But delight in the Lord is really laying down what I have before Him and solely focus on what He wants me to do. It's giving up my plans, my agendas and laying it all down at His feet and say, Father, you take control.

In one of the Watchmen gathering from years ago. God used an 11 year old boy to speak to the congregation at the beginning of the service. The boy prayed and hit every point the prophetic team was praying for and hearing. The leaders did not know what to do after the boy spoke..because it was exactly what they were hearing before. The leaders knew it was God speaking. David Demian asked the Lord what he should do now...because no one dared to move or speak. Then God spoke to David, "I've done what I wanted to do" But David thought the service couldn't just end, they have just begun! But God said again, "I've done what I wanted to do. If you have worship now, I will bless you. But if you end now, you will bless me."

Another amazing thing was we didn't have a worship band, or worship leader. We worshipped with a CD playing through the system. But we were able to all enter into worship, a worship I've never experienced. It was so focus. I don't know if I was hearing things...but I felt like angels were worshipping with us on the second night. On the first night, my hands felt so much warmth and something going through my fingers while worshipping. It felt like someone was literally holding onto my hands when I reached out.

Out of all the conferences I've been to so far, I have not felt so dumbfound. I don't know how to put it into words. I pray that this is only the beginning of the journey with Him. I am willing to lay down what I've held on so dearly to and let Him make the decision for me. I don't know how, I don't know what will happen but I trust that when I delight in Him, He will give me my heart's desire. I believe when that happens that desire will no longer be my fleshly desire but His desire will be mine. It's not easy, but I choose to do it because I want to bless Him. It's not my choice but His choice for my life.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

i've found a place and probably be moving in next weekend. i cant say i am excited about it. it's such a big change...so many things i need to adapt to...so many things i have to take care of myself. i know i have friends and bros & sis who will be helping me...but mentally, emotionally...i am drained...so drained. i have so many things on my mind...i dun even know where to begin. finding a place wasnt hard...but now telling my mom about it is the most difficult part. i dunno how to or what to say. as i am typing this, i feel a knot in my stomach and literally feel my stomach cramp coming. prayers, encouragements help...but i am still the one facing it...i still need to face her reaction. it may not be as bad as i think it will be...but in this case...it's better to be prepared for what could happen.

im moving the necessities to my dad's office tm morning, just in case my mom goes insane on me when i tell her about it and stop me from moving.

i am scared...i reallie am. but if i dun step out of it i will always be in this kind of environment and i will be more and more like my mom without realizing it.

i am glad i saw u the other day and was able to tell u about it. i felt better after telling you about it. knowing that i have your support keeps me stronger. i wish u would be here, but i guess it's not possible because of the break...but i know u are praying for me. i need all the prayers that u can offer.

Friday, January 18, 2008


there is a lot on my mind...and i find myself writing in here again. i dunno if i would want to read it again...or even post it. but i guess from time to time i have too much on my mind..and just need to write it down. there were times when i finished typing the whole post..but ended up deleting it. i guess because it's served its purpose-putting my thoughts somewhere else. it may just be lost in thin air...but it is still somewhere. i wonder it will be the same this time. it's not hard to just hit the "publish post" button...but i guess i just have my way of thinking. it may not be normal..but it's me.

so many things have happened of late. there are so many decisions to make...to decide what to do. they are not little things...each decision i make affects my future. sometimes i just want to back away and not have to think about it...but it's there waiting for me to respond. im afraid to respond. at times i feel like i am strong enough to do it...but there were definitely times when i wish i could just share all these feelings and thoughts with someone...someone who'd look at me and tell me it's going to be alright.

there are things that are about to change. not just something minor...but it will be a drastic change. i am afraid that im gonna make a wrong decision. i dunno...i dunno. whatever the decision is...the goal is to find the better me...

Thursday, January 10, 2008

im a right-brainer

go here to take the test: http://www.wherecreativitygoestoschool.com/vancouver/left_right/rb_test.htm

Thank you for taking the Creativity Test. The results show your brain dominance as being:

Left Brain 41%
Right Brain 58%

You are more right-brained than left-brained. The right side of your brain controls the left side of your body. In addition to being known as right-brained, you are also known as a creative thinker who uses feeling and intuition to gather information. You retain this information through the use of images and patterns. You are able to visualize the "whole" picture first, and then work backwards to put the pieces together to create the "whole" picture. Your thought process can appear quite illogical and meandering. The problem-solving techniques that you use involve free association, which is often very innovative and creative. The routes taken to arrive at your conclusions are completely opposite to what a left-brained person would be accustomed. You probably find it easy to express yourself using art, dance, or music. Some occupations usually held by a right-brained person are forest ranger, athlete, beautician, actor/actress, craftsman, and artist.

Your left brain/right brain percentage was calculated by combining the individual scores of each half's sub-categories. They are as follows:

Your Left Brain Percentages
40% Reality-based (Your most dominant characteristic)
32% Linear
20% Verbal
17% Symbolic
9% Sequential
9% Logical (Your least dominant characteristic)

Your Right Brain Percentages
55% Concrete (Your most dominant characteristic)
40% Fantasy-oriented
24% Intuitive
23% Random
13% Nonverbal
12% Holistic (Your least dominant characteristic)

What Do These Percentages Mean?

Low percentages are common in the Brain Type Test and are not indicative of intelligence. Instead, medium to high scores (30 - 50%) are desireable, as they show an ability to utilize a processing method without an abnormal reliance on it. Special focus should be paid to highly dominant (50% or above) or highly recessive (0 - 30%) methods, as they tend to limit your approach when learning, memorizing, or solving problems.

If you have Highly Dominant characteristics, your normal thinking patterns will naturally utilize these methods. Conscious effort is required to recognize the benefits of other techniques. Using multiple forms of information processing is the best way to fully understand complex issues and become a balanced thinker.

If you have Highly Recessive characteristics, your normal thinking patterns naturally ignore these methods. You may only consider these under-utilized techniques when "all else fails," or possibly not at all. It is important to recognize the benefits of all of your brain's capabilities in order to become a balanced thinker.

Left Brain Categories

Reality-based Processing

Reality-based processing is used by the left hemisphere as a method for processing information with a basis on reality. This processing tool focuses on rules and regulations. An example of this would be how a left-brained person would completely understand the repercussions of turning in a late assignment or failing a test. A left-brained person also usually easily adjusts to changes in their environment.

Your Reality-based Analysis

You process information with a basis in reality, but are not limited to it. You may recognize the repercussions of you actions, but proceed to do something anyway, in the heat of the moment. You can complete projects to whice you are emotionally attached as well as random tasks.

Linear Processing

Linear processing is a method by the left hemisphere to process information. In this process, the left brain takes pieces of information, lines them up, and proceeds to arrange them into an order from which it may draw a conclusion. The information is processed from parts to a whole in a straight, forward, and logical progression.

Your Linear Analysis

When processing information using this method, you will occasionally feel the need to see the "whole picture" before you are able to achieve results. At other times, you are able to piece all of the parts together in a straight and logical progression to form a whole, which then enables you to understand what you have processing. The information, your mood, and your level of comfortable are all factors that determine your response to a linear processing problem.

Verbal Processing

Verbal processing is a method used by the left hemisphere to process our thoughts and ideas with words. For example, through verbal processing, a left-brained person giving directions may say, "From this point continue east for two miles and turn north onto Bellevue Road. Continue north on Bellevue Road for seven miles and turn west on Main Street". With verbal processing, exact, logical directions are given in a very sequential manner compared to a right-brained person who, in giving the same directions, would use more visual landmarks.

Your Verbal Analysis

You are not a verbal person. When you process your thoughts, you tend to use very few words, preferring instead to illustrate a problem or solution. You often find yourself in situations where it is hard for you to "find the right words." Upon reading or hearing new information, you must first create a "mental video" before you can process and understand the information of your thoughts. For example, when giving directions, you probably use many gestures with your hands such as pointing and leaning, and also refer to visual structures such as "a McDonalds" or "the big tree" instead of street names or exact mileage.

Symbolic Processing

Symbolic processing is a method associated with the left hemisphere that is used for processing the information of pictures and symbols. The majority of functions associated with academics involve symbols such as letters, words, and mathematical notations. This process is what aids you to excel in tasks such as linguistics, mathematics, and memorizing vocabulary words and mathematical formulas.

Your Symbolic Analysis

You have difficulty processing the information of symbols, and would rather see the real object in order to understand. You probably hated algebra. For example, if solving a math problem, you need to "draw out" the problem to understand and solve it. You rely on the visualization of real objects instead of their symbols. Tasks such as memorizing vocabulary words or mathematical formulas are more difficult for you.

Sequential Processing

Sequential processing is a method used by the left hemisphere for processing information. The information that is received is processed in order from first to last. Information is processed in a systematic, logical manner. Through sequential processing, you can interpret and produce symbolic information such as language, mathematics, abstraction, and reasoning. This process is used to store memory in a language format. Activities that require sequential processing include spelling, making a "to-do" list, and many aspects of organization.

Your Sequential Analysis

You tend process information you receive without any priority as to which is processed first, last, or any place in between. It is difficult for you to learn or perform tasks involving sequence. For example, spelling is a task that involves sequence and you may experience problems remembering exact spelling or any type of rote memorization, for that matter. Creating daily lists and plans are probably not activities you enjoy. If you are having problems with tasks involving sequence, there are methods you can use to improve your skills. One method involves using colors to learn sequence. You assign a color to each task. For example, you may want to make the first step green, the second step blue, and the last step red. This helps because the right side of the brain, your dominant side in this case, is sensitive to colors. The important thing to remember is that consistently using the same sequence will help you both improve and recognize that this strategy can be used in many different circumstances involving sequence.

Logical Processing

Logical processing is a method that is used by the left hemisphere to take information piece by piece and put it all together to form a logical answer. When information is received through reading or listening, the left hemisphere will look for different bits of information that will allow it to produce a logical conclusion. This aspect of the left hemisphere is what aids you in solving math problems and science experiments.

Your Logical Analysis

Logical processing is not one of your strengths, so you may tend to rely on a "gut" feeling to help you make your decisions from the information you have received. For example, you will often choose an answer on a test because it "feels" right, and you may be correct. This is due to the fact of your tendency to look for the whole picture but not the details that create it. You can often start with the answer and work your way back to allow yourself to see the process and parts that create the whole. You may find math problems and science experiments difficult because of this.

Right Brain Categories

Concrete Processing

Concrete processing is a method associated with the right hemisphere that is used for processing things that can be seen or touched. It processes much of the information you receive from real objects. For example, a right-brained person is not just satisfied that a mathematical formula may work, but will want to know why it works. A strongly concrete person often finds it easier to solve a mathematical problem by "drawing it out" because it allows them to visualize it. The more a concrete person can visualize something the easier it is for them to understand it.

Your Concrete Analysis

You are strong in concrete processing. When you process information about things that can be seen or touched you show great comfort. But when contemplating something without concrete form, you may have difficulty, and attempt to understand what is trying to be processed in visual terms. For example, if solving a math problem, it would help you to "draw out" the problem and visualize it. Only after visualization, would you feel comfortable solving it.

Fantasy-oriented Processing

Fantasy-oriented processing is used by the right hemisphere as a method for processing information with creativity. It focuses much less on rules and regulations than the processing method of a left-brained person. Due to the fantasy-oriented processing mechanism of a right-brained person, they do not adjust well to change. Instead of adapting to the change in the environment, a right-brained person attempts to change it back to the way they liked it. But fantasy-oriented processing also provides the advantage of creativity to right-brained individuals, and since emotion is integral of the right side of the brain, anything a fantasy-oriented person becomes involved in emotionally will aid their ability to learn.

Your Fantasy-oriented Analysis

You have the ability to use both creativity and reality to process the information you receive. This is a unique gift that allows you to both focus on rules and regulations but to also act with creativity. You are able to adjusting to change, even though you might not like it, and you can become emotionally involved in your work if it interests you.

Intuitive Processing

Intuitive processing is a method that is used by the right hemisphere to process information based on if it "feels" right or not. For example, a right-brained person may choose an answer on a test because they had a "gut" feeling and often they will be correct. Another example of this is how a right-brained person will know the correct answer to a math problem but will not understand the procedure of how they arrived at the correct answer. A right-brained person will usually have to start with the answer and work their way backwards in order to be able to see and understand the parts and process that create the whole.

Your Intuitive Analysis

When processing information, at times you are able to go with your "gut" instincts. At other times you may doubt your instincts, or prefer to put information together piece by piece to form your conclusion. You should be careful not to ignore your intuition, but at the same time do not solely rely on it.

Random Processing

Random processing is a method used by the right hemisphere for processing information. The information that is received is processed without priority. A right-brained person will usually jump from one task to another due to the random processing by their dominant right hemisphere. Random processing is, of course, the opposite of sequential processing therefore making it difficult for right-brained individuals to choose to learn in sequence. In order to overcome this, a right-brained person may want to attempt to learn sequence by using colors since the right hemisphere is sensitive to color. For example, you may want to associate the first step with green, the second step with blue, and the last step with red. Consistently using the same sequence will allow you to see that this strategy can be applied to many tasks involving sequence.

Your Random Analysis

You tend to not process data randomly, preferring instead to follow a systematic, logical order from first to last. You have difficulty making "leaps of logic" which prevents you from making unique discoveries, or adapt to change during your thinking process.

Nonverbal Processing

Nonverbal processing is a method used by the right hemisphere to process our thoughts with illustrations. Reliance on this method is why it is occasionally difficult for right-brained people to "find the right words" in certain situations. A right-brained person cannot just read or hear information and process it, but first must make a mental video to better understand the information they have received. For example, through nonverbal processing, a person giving directions may say, "Continue going straight until you see a big, red-brick courthouse. At the courthouse turn right, and go down that street for a couple of miles until you se a gray stone church which will be on your right. Straight across from the church is the road to the left you need to take." With nonverbal processing, the directions that are given are extremely visual compared to the exact, sequential directions that would be given by a left-brained person.

Your Nonverbal Analysis

You have little ability in nonverbal processing. When you process your thoughts and ideas you mainly use words instead of illustrations. For example, if you were giving directions you may say, "Continue traveling west for 3 miles and turn north at the intersection." You would give exact, logical directions in a very sequential manner.

Holistic Processing

Holistic processing is a method used by the right hemisphere to process information. The information is processed from whole to parts. A right-brained person, through holistic processing, is able to see the big picture first, but not the details that accompany it. A strongly holistic person may often find that prior to listening to a lecture given by an instructor, they must first read the chapter so that they better understand what the lecture is about. This function is also what provides to you your visual spatial skills. It also aids in tasks such as dancing and gymnastics. Through holistic processing, memory is stored in auditory, visual, and spatial modalities.

Your Holistic Analysis

You have difficulty seeing the whole picture, especially at the beginning of a project. You tend to process information you receive from its parts to its whole in a straight, progressive manner. When given a task, you tend to not bother asking "why," but instinctively are able to do it.

Friday, January 4, 2008

whiter than snow

i've rebaptized on new year's eve 2007. what a great way to start a new year with a new beginning, a new start. I'm happie that I did that. After the baptism it snowed that night til the next day. When I woke up on New year's day and looked out the window, i saw beautiful white fresh snow everywhere. Then this thought came to me, "You are now whiter than snow." i felt that it was Him speakin to me, telling me He's pleased and that He's giving me another chance.

I don't want to carry the burden and shame i've carried for so long. I don't want this burden to be my new beginning. I want to start afresh, walk with my head held high and in freedom. I want this freedom, this confidence in God to be my new beginning. i want an obedient and a willing heart to be my new beginning. i know this is just the beginning, but it's a good beginning, and it will remind me each day that i've given up my old self and is walking in His glory.

i'm excited and i want to know what's ahead. this is not gonna be an easy journey, but i know im off to a good start, and i will try my best to carry it on. :)

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'
Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what else can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down