Monday, October 20, 2008

strong individuals

the leaders gave us some feedback to the presentation we had for the 40 page assignment. One of the feedback was they see the boys have their own strengths and weaknesses, but they cover each other as a team. As for the girl's feedback, they said we are a bunch of strong individuals, but we are individuals, not a team. That hit me hard.

I think back to the personal life. I've had many acquaintances, people I hung out with at school. I was never really a loner. But am I lonely? yes i am. thinking back to grade 4 when i moved to canada, i had no strings attached. i didn't really feel sad not being able to see my friends. even now, when i am here in UK. can i say i am sad that i don't see them? no. i think God is showing me in this area i need healing. i have no clue why i am like this. when people ask me if i have any close friends. I'd have to think really hard most of the time. Coz the thing is, i don't really have any. Sometimes when i get too close to a girlfriend, i would start withdrawing myself. I need God to heal me in this area, otherwise I will not know what it means to be around people, be loved by people and love people.

i have been thinking about you. i understand why God has brought me here, and understand that prolly if i didn't come here, we wouldn't be where we are at now spiritually. At the same time i don't understand why is it only now do i start to feel that you love me for who i am. it is only now i feel that u appreciate me for who i am. i am glad that u love me...but we are miles apart and my heart is not free to love u back the way i used to. if i was still the same karen before, i would want to just be with u. but rite now, i can't. i have a road to walk down. it hurts me inside. i had wish so hard that u would be the one i'd spend the rest of my life with. but rite now, i don't know where God is taking me. i can't make those promises anymore, and it hurts. do u know how much i loved u?

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